


Not Enough

by nerdsarehot75



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-02 16:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18814750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdsarehot75/pseuds/nerdsarehot75
Summary: When given the chance, Steve makes a choice that breaks your heart.





	1. Chapter 1

“Steve?”

The old man on the bench turned towards you and a pair of familiar blue eyes blinked at you. You felt as if your stomach was twisting in knots and your heart shattered. He’d chosen her, his perfect Peggy, leaving you behind. 

When Sam had passed holding the shield you’d known in your heart what had happened but you’d needed to see it with your own eyes. You needed to see him to believe he would do that to you. You needed him to explain.

And now your heart was breaking.

“(Y/N),” he said and you could hear the sadness in his voice.

He’d had years to come to terms with his decision, must have been waiting for this day to come. You felt the world shift so completely you weren’t sure you could ever see it the same way again. You twirled your wedding band around your finger as you stood in front of him, waiting for some kind of explanation. 

“Why?” you asked when he stayed silent. 

“I love her,” he said as if that would ever be enough.

“You told me you loved me,” you said, “you promised me forever.”

“I did love you,” he said, “I do.”

“But not enough.”

He looked down at your fingers fiddling with the wedding ring he’d put on your finger, the one he had given you as a promise for the future. You sniffed, wondering how this was your life. Just a minute ago you were planning for you new future, for the future you’d fought so hard for. Now you had nothing.

“I just thought you should know, I’m pregnant,” you said.

His head snapped up and you could see the emotions roll over his face. You clenched your jaw, looking down at your scuffing feet. 

“I found out this morning,” you said, “I was waiting for you to get back, for this all to be done before I told you.”

His shoulder slumped and you took a deep breath, looking up at the clouds passing over the sky. You bit down on your lip to stop it from trembling. You really didn’t want to cry. You didn’t want him to see you lose it.

“I didn’t know.” His voice was so soft.

“Of course you didn’t,” you said, “but I thought we’d have time.”

He looked down at your stomach, as if imagining what it would look like as the foetus grew. You put your hand onto it, the images of the life you’d dreamt of flashing through your mind. You’d thought now that Thanos was gone it would be perfect. You had Steve and your child, and you’d be happy. 

“What’s done is done,” you said, “can’t change it now.”

“Can I?” he asked, lifting his hand towards you.

You took his hand and pressed it to your stomach. You weren’t even close to showing but you’d known how much he’d wanted a family. This was not how you expected this conversation to go.

“Were you happy?” you asked.

He looked up at you, tears gathering in his eyes. You cupped his cheek, brushing away the tear the fell down his cheek.

“I was. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but I was happy.”

You smiled at him, not wanting him to see how hurt you were. You did want him to be happy, you always wanted him to be happy, but all you could think was that you had never been enough for him. He’d spent so long reassuring you Peggy was his past, that there was no competition. He’d assured you he had left her in his past. 

But he obviously hadn’t.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

“I’ll figure it out,” you said, “don’t worry about me.”

“I always worry about you.”

“But not enough.”

A cold arm wrapped around your shoulder, centring you back into the real world. You looked up at Bucky and took a deep breath.

“I’ll figure it out,” you said again. 

“We’ll take care of her,” Bucky said.

“I’m glad you were happy Steve,” you said, “even if it wasn’t with me.”

You pulled the wedding ring off your finger and handed it to him. He looked down at it sitting in the palm of his hand. When he looked back at you all you could do was nod at him and turn to walk away. You left Bucky with him, to give them space for their goodbye.

You’d figure it out. Even if your heart was breaking.


	2. Chapter 2

You held your giggling baby in your lap, bouncing her on your knee. You couldn’t believe how big she’d gotten, how beautiful she was, how much you could love a single person. 

She turned her big eyes up to you and once again you were struck by how they were the exact shade of Steve’s. He’d been there at the birth, tears in his eyes as he held your little girl. You’d told him it was fine, that you expected nothing from him, that he hadn’t had to be there. You’d seen him once a week since then, letting him know and love his daughter. 

He had tried to give you money to pay for all the doctor’s appointments and the furniture and everything you could possibly need for raising a baby. You’d refused it. You were going to have to be able to do all this on your own. You knew he wasn’t going to be around for most of your daughter’s life.

“Hey.”

You looked up. Sam was walking through the front door, bag of groceries held in his arms. You smiled at him, standing up to join him in the kitchen. Your gorgeous girl gurgled and reached out towards Sam. He put the groceries down on the counter and took her from you.

“Hello,” he said, his voice soft in a way it never was when talking to the rest of you. 

You smiled at them, moving to unpack the groceries before you forgot. He sat with your girl on the sofa, tickling her into hysterics, kissing the top of her head. 

“You ready?” 

You turned back to your front door. Bucky was standing there, arms crossed over his chest. You walked over to Sam and your daughter, giving her a kiss on her head. You patted Sam on the shoulder.

“You’ll be okay with uncle Sam, won’t you little one?” you asked your daughter.

“Don’t you worry about us,” Sam said.

You patted him on the shoulder again and walked over to Bucky. He held the door open for you and you ducked under his arm, jabbing him playfully in the stomach. He chuckled as he followed you out into the hall.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked once you were in the elevator.

“I can’t keep doing this,” you said, “I need him to know. But I need you there with me.”

He nodded, wrapping his arm around you for a one armed squeezed. You looked down at your feet, trying to figure out how to phrase what you needed to say. You took a deep breath, straightening your shoulders, trying to not look as tired and broken as you felt inside. 

Bucky held the door to the cafe open for you and you smiled at him in thanks. You could see Steve sitting in the back corner, hands wrapped around a cup of coffee. You sat down across from him, Bucky going to the counter to order for you.

“No Jenny?” he asked.

“She’s spending some quality time with her uncle Sam,” you replied, with a shrug. 

“Is there something wrong?” he asked.

You glanced over your shoulder to find Bucky. He was still engaged at the counter, leaning over and flirting with the woman taking his money. You turned back to Steve.

“I promised I wouldn’t do this,” you said, “when you left I promised to myself I wouldn’t be that person. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Please just tell me what’s going on,” he requested.

“I know you love Jen but I need you to step back,” you said, “you left. You made a choice and it wasn’t me. And every single time I see you it’s like being stabbed again. I can’t keep doing this.”

“What are you asking me?” he said.

“You had your life, you had your family. I never expected you to be a part of her life and it’s great you want to be but if you are it keeps reopening the wound. I’m never going to be able to get over you or move on if you’re here. I don’t deserve this kind of continual heartbreak.”

He looked down into his almost empty cup. You could his shoulders slumping, curling in on himself. You hadn’t wanted to hurt him but you deserved better, you deserved a chance of happiness.

“You can still be there for birthdays or christmases if you want, but anything more is going to be too difficult,” you told him.

A metal hand put a cup of coffee down in front of you. You looked up at Bucky as he took his seat to your right. You wrapped your hands around it, letting the warmth flow through your body. You looked up at Steve again. Tears were gathering in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Steve,” you said.

“I am too,” he said.

Bucky put his hand on your knee, and you glanced at him. He gave you an encouraging nod and you took another deep breath.

“I can’t have you in the apartment, either,” you said, “or phone calls or really any contact. If you need something you can ask Bucky, but I can’t handle dealing with you directly anymore.”

“Nothing?” he asked.

“Nothing. You made your choice and I haven’t had time to heal from it because you want to be part of Jenny’s life. And I didn’t want to be vindictive and refuse to let you have access to your daughter, but I need to think about me here. You got to make your selfish decision, now I get to make mine.” 

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” he said, “it wasn’t meant to hurt you.”

“You chose her, Steve. You chose Peggy and left me. We were married and it wasn’t enough for you. Of course I’m hurt. You broke my heart. You made the decision that was best for you and you cannot be mad at me for doing the same. This is the consequence of your actions.”

“She’s my daughter,” he said.

“You have a daughter, but it’s not Jen,” you said, “you’re no more than a sperm donor.”

You stood from the table, not wanting to continue this conversation. You’d said your piece and you were done. You’d tried, you really had, but having Steve in your life was an open wound you kept picking at. He’d broken you so completely. You wanted to heal.

You left Bucky with Steve, giving them time to talk over whatever they needed to talk about. You didn’t know. You didn’t want to know. 

All you wanted was to hold your daughter and smell her baby smell and forget who her father was.


	3. Chapter 3

Sometimes it felt as if the years had passed by too quickly. Your little girl was so grown up, her own little person. She was so strong and brave, and believed in doing the right thing. Some days she reminded you so much of Steve it hurt.

Other times it felt as if each minute lasted a decade. Living without Steve was the hardest thing you’d had to do. You’d forced yourself to rebuild yourself, to put yourself back together. You weren’t sure you’d put all the pieces in the right places but you were functioning as best you could.

Bucky and Sam were almost permanent fixtures in your house, always around for dinner or looking after Jen when you had to work. They were the biggest help in your life, always doing what they could for your small family. They were your small family. 

Jen would ask about her dad sometimes and you’d tell her the stories of the super soldier who had saved the world. She’d ask where he was and all you could tell her was that he had had to leave, that there were things he had to do. You didn’t want to admit he’d left you, didn’t want that embarrassment hanging over you. 

And then you’d had the call.

Steve was dying. He was in hospital, on his deathbed. Bucky had called, asked if you’d wanted to see him. You hadn’t seen him since your daughter’s first birthday, the last time he’d tried to be a part of your family. Your heart broke all over again.

But you’d gone to see him, had brought Jen, had known Steve would want to see her. You’d swallowed your pride and went to see him, to say goodbye. The final goodbye. 

You’d walked in, holding Jen’s hand. She hadn’t understood, not really, and the hospital had scared her. Steve had been surrounded by his family, his proper family, and you had that inexplicable feeling of being an outsider. They’d all turned to look when you’d entered.

Bucky was also there, leaning against the far wall, his arms crossed. Jen ran to him and he picked her up, settling her on his hip. You walked up to him, giving him a tight smile.

“Hey there,” Steve said.

He sounded so sick, so tired. His voice was little more than a croak, and his eyes were foggy. Your heart clenched, seeing the reality in front of you. You hadn’t thought this would be something you would see, or at least, not when you were still so young. 

“Hi,” you said.

He reached out his hand towards you, shaky and weak. You took it, stepping up to his bedside. His skin was like paper, so cold and thin. Your throat felt tight. 

“You brought Jenny.”

His voice was almost too quiet to hear and all the pieces you’d put back together broke apart. You squeezed his hand. 

“I thought you’d want to see her.”

“I do.”

You reached behind you, taking Jen from Bucky. She buried her face in your neck, shy in this room full of strangers. You kissed the top of her head. 

“She’s beautiful,” he whispered.

“She’s just like her father.”

He gave you a small smile and you stopped wondering if this had been a bad idea. He reached up to his neck, struggling with his shirt. You held out a hand, either to stop him or to help, you couldn’t tell. He pulled a chain out from under his shirt and tugged it over his head. 

He turned your hand until it was palm up and dropped the chain into your hand. You looked down, your own wedding ring looking back at you. You looked at him, letting the tears finally fall.

“Give this to her, one day, when she’s old enough,” he said, “tell her I’m sorry and that I loved her. So much.”

Jen looked up when one of your tears hit her skin. She brought one of her hands up, trying to wipe away the tears from your cheeks. You gave her a watery smile

“It’s okay mommy,” she said.

“It is, baby girl,” you agreed. 

She turned those beautiful blues eyes to Steve, studying him in that way she did, as if she could see through everyone. Steve was trying to smile at her, his own eyes drinking in his daughter. 

“Dad?”

You turned to one of his daughters, older than you, as she she stepped up to the bed. His eyes flickered up to her, a different kind of smile on his face. You stepped back, letting him have this time with his family. 

Bucky left with you, his body relaxing the further you got from his room. By the time you were walking out of the hospital his arms were swinging by his side and his jaw was unclenched. 

“I always thought I would have more time with him,” Bucky said.

“I did too,” you said.

He ruffled Jen’s hair, smiling down at her. She frowned at him and he chuckled. It’s then that you noticed the tears beginning to fall down his face. Your baby reached out to him.

“Uncle Bucky?” she asked.

“I’m alright kid,” he said, “you don’t have to worry about me.”

“We’re just sad. Our friend is very very sick,” you said. 

“Is he going to die?” she asked.

“Yes, baby girl, he is,” you replied.

She pressed her lips together and you knew she didn’t know what to say. You hoped one day she would remember this, visiting Steve. Your fingers clenched around the ring harder, letting it bite into your skin. When she was old enough, you’d tell her, about all of it, even the stuff you didn’t like.

Until then, you’d give her the best life you could, with her uncle Bucky and her uncle Sam. And you’d make sure she knew she was so loved.

You’d make sure she always knew she was enough.


End file.
